Tiffyang

yeah, as the title suggest,.. i'm feeling fuckingly fucked up. well, i really feel very mentally, emotionally and physically drained out already. i just feel like locking up myself at home. sometimes, you thought by treating someone sincere, that person would appreciate it.. and by being kind and all, things in your life would be better. that's whole lot of a fucking bullshit. perhaps i was too impatient, but good karma never seems to meant for me...... i admit i was expecting something good to happen to me,.. this someone would be here to talk to me, to comfort me when i'm going through all these shits. but expectations sucks. fuck it seriously. do i deserve such things? did my character, the things that i do made me a worthless creature to deserve better things, better treatment? at least, there's one thing for sure, my best friend would always be very patient towards me. but life has been a fucking bitch. what's bad?

family? checked.
friends? checked.
love? checked.

when life's already so bad, when i can't get myself to catch a wink last night till like 6 in the morning, somebody has to wake me up at 10 to pack my fucking room. pleaseeee be understanding. what's wrong with a messy room? fuck it seriously la. & i can't even lock myself up for the day. i was forced to get out to visit my grandma.. plus some fucking birthday party. fuck fuckk fuckkk. & yeah, m going to ditch clubbing. clubbing aint as fun as what i thought it would be. so much so for everything... forget about it.

am i falling into something which i shouldn't, yet and again? i admit,.. i do miss you when you aint here. but... well. things don seems to go right somehow. & i always show the ugly side of myself to you. or.. am i expecting too much? i really hate myself for this and that.. or maybe tiffy, you're simply worrying too much. hey boy, you're such a bad ass.

i only had 4 hours of sleep,... after drinking so much ytd night. i cannot get back to sleep now bcos of don know what reason. i want to sleeeeeeeep! the feeling of being awake now sucks.

p/s i wish i never knew you

i realise i am slowly accepting things. maybe it's only 1% of acceptance i am talking abt, m glad that i took the first step to accept. it's gonna be a tough road ahead of me, till i reach my goal. but nothing is gonna pull me down, yea tiffy? i always believe that we shouldn't expect too much,.. it's tested & proven that yes, we shouldn't. the more i expect, the more things wont happen. so yeah. stop expecting & moved on. life will still be as great. it's gonna be sunshine after rain. ha. gonna party like a rockstar this weekend. hope things will go right, not wrong. chillllz. just get back up when they knock you down!

just came back from jogging/hiking. well, had a nice chat with mum..., & i kinda feel refreshed after exercising, but still... sigh. somehow, i cannot believe i shed buckets of tears last night.., it's been sometime since i last cried so badly. tears keep flowing,.. & i can't help but to feel the heartache badly. it's not totally bcos of you,... i didn't know simple things could affect me so much. & now i really hate the fact that i had to be stronger to face whatever that's in front of me. i am just a normal human being,.. don make things so hard for me, can? guess now, nothing can help me other than me myself. fuck this seriously. maybe now someone can give me more money, so i can do more shopping, & i will be a little happier. i think that's bullshit from me. alrighty, i'm totally dehydrated from all the crying and sweating. time to bath and sleep.

as i try onto those dresses,

i realise you could find someone so much better than me.

at the end of the day, i leave with a cold heart.

oh gawd, i sleep for more than 12 hours today. just feel very tired,.. & bcos of the weather, i think i have a sore throat now, and if i don take care, a fever is gonna come along. & that's really bad. i don wanna fall sick. :-( i run out of panadols now, shitzo. gonna get some from 7-11. should i jog later? sigh.

p/s i have to face the fact & believe that, what will be,... will be.

i thought i moved on. but everything came back to haunt me again. fuck it seriously. i feel quite affected now. but tiffy, get this into your head. you've no reason in the world to feel what you're feeling now. i don want to, either. damn it.

bring me out tonight. i want some company.

it's monday again,.. can't wait for the next weekend. hope i can get my ass out manz. well, there's alot of things that i wanna do.. but,.. everyone is busy with their individual stuffs. & yeah, i'm looking for constructive things to do too. i wanna sun-tan, shop (so many stuffs to buy!), chill, bum ard, club (can't wait to booze again!).. & maybe talk to... & love! i miss you. haha. well, let's see how things goes yea. gotta sleep already. ditch eyebags campaign. nights (-:

p/s for the first time, i miss you.

i'm losing myself. there seems to be so many things cooping inside me,.. but why can't i seems to rant it all out when i am here? maybe words can't describe a single bit of what i am feeling all these while. it's never easy...., never easy to face every single shit i am feeling. well, seriously i hate to repeat..., i don wish to bore anyone either. i always remind myself that.., there's definitely someone out there feeling a thousand times worse than me. so,.. i must count myself fortunate. but....... let me fly solo now.

p/s is that a indirect hint for me?

i don know why i feel pretty affected when it's only a small thing that i noticed. maybe it's bcos i'm scared, or i just refused to face the fact, that yea... i mean, why like that. i shouldn't feel this way. no, there's no reason for me to feel this way. plus,... ____ wouldn't know that i actually feel this way. i still can remember what you say that night, vividly. now, i wanna avoid songs that starts with L. chill manzzzzzzzz. i shall enjoy myself tonight, by playing wii with my cousins. byez.

i think the only thing that makes me happy for the night,.. is the long chat i have with vonvon over at her house,.. & putting up my favourite music video at the side of my blog. haha. but, well i should be contented already. at least, i learn to be yea. it's time to sleep alr. nights peepo.

p/s everything goes left. i shall close my eyes, open up my mind.. & let go. don expect.

I can't get to sleep after tossing and turning on my bed for the past two hours,.. there's only one reason for this. you're in my mind for the whole night. stop thinking tiffy! no point. when you expect too much, it wont happen. i shall sleep now, wake up later,..to jog. nights. sigh.

i wanna blog about the issue. but i don know where to start, & what to type. i just can't stop wondering. alright, i shall go to bed now. eyebags no more. nights.

dbl o with ade last night. a typical night with booze,.. not bad music & a nice crowd at the dancefloor. but minus that hour when i lost ade, & couldn't find her until the dancefloor is closed. & maybe phuture next week? haha. practically nothing to do on a saturday night, just that the stone song was on repetitive mode. thinking back, i seriously don know what got into me last night. i felt that it's a big mistake.. what's over is over. shall forget about it. & ok, i shall find someone to talk on the phone now. at least, the night.. is not so cold and lonely. haha. kbye.

p/s the conversation between us is not a test paper,.. there's no model answers for it. i don expect any model answers too.

i just finished watching bolt not long ago,.. was facing the lappy laughing alone the whole time. a cute character, with a flat nose! ha. it's dawn already. i feel like blogging, but my mind is semi-blank now. m only waiting for 6 to jog.. & i pretty love the chat on the phone tonight.. at least it made me happy for that minute. it's sissy's off day today. we decided to ditch shopping & watch dramas at home! i love couch potato sessions like this. but..., on the other hand, i would like to head out too. ah, contradicting. maybe it's bcos couch potato sessions will make me fat! haha. random, but i'm gonna get contacts without degree. i want my eyeballs to look bigger. maybe i should get grey instead of brown. plus, i saw really nice dresses at miss selfridge! i wanna buy. :-( should try out some soon. shall get ready for the jog. good morning. :-O

i'm enjoying the ultimate shiokness of life now, using my sissy's uzap to zap all my fats away (been eating too much this weekend!), blasting my ipod with my fav robodance remix, & blogging the night away in front of the lappy. i had a bored yet happy weekend. i finallly got hold of my new phone (nokia e63)! daddykins paid for me, instead of me paying for it. haha (-: a simple phone with big keypad and screen. totally love the big screen! ha. m really harrrpppy that i get to meet love last thurs! shopped for mother's day gift, & dinns over at 7atenine. guess, i only love the alcoholic drinks & service there! the food, hmm, too chessy & buttery for me. ha, didn't take much peektures cos we're too busy chilling out. meet-ups like this is never enough for me, m missing it already. :-P rather random, but i really miss jogging, haven't been jogging for the past week cox of the monthly affair. i wanna jog/hike tmr morning! pleassssse don rain... & now, i'm thinking what i should do for the whole of next week... i wanna club...........big things poppin' yea \m/ but.. ha, maybe i should crash vonvon's lecture on thurs. & i promise i wont bomb you again. lol. drama mama time again! nights peeepo.

p/s you're too weird for me to understand.

tuesday was out with sissy for the whole afternoon/night. bugis first for the new shopping mall. maybe bcos it's new, so nothing much to see or shop. & we tried duck tongues! haha, quite shiokkk you know. but way too spicy. i can't stop laughing when i see the shape of the tongue. haha. city hall to chill out, & we chat alot about stuffs,i really love how we can share everything with each other. those childhood stories, family, friends, love... (-: dinns at 7atenine, a restaurant at esplanade. a cool chill-out place with a bonus night view! & i think they served french cuisine.ha, i had whisky coke & whisky sprite for the night. sissy couldn't finish hers, so i down it too. the food was alright and i love the natta fresca! m heading there again tmr with love! can't wait to see her! haha. more pictures tmr! now, it's time to sleep. good night people.

p/s i pay attention to every word you say, shitzo or not? haha.

not infatuation, not a crush, not liking, not love, then what's this? i just can't figure it out. somehow, i feel affected. but why? by right, i shouldn't feel this way. by left,........ nah, i don wanna feel this way. it sucked alot, to a certain extent. but so far, i'm coping it with an ok attitude. that's a plus manz. maybe it's just attraction. be selective tiffy! don let this happen too easy & often. ha, i shall shut my mind off this for now, at least for now. (i'm such a contradicting creature here.) haha. heading out with sissy tmr. shopping. i wanna buy something! & bless me with truckloads of luck that yestuition will call/email me that they found a student for me! i wanna teach, i wanna slack at home no more........ please. :-P && i want a hardcore clubbing soon. but my cousin is too busy with work to entertain me. :-( ok, shall listen to my music now. bb ^^v

so how's your long weekend? mine was pretty occupied with activities here & there. cycling at ECP (to bedok jetty with the C sisters, haha), waraku dinner, sleeping early (it's been quite some time since i last sleep at 10), watching dramas, eating & eating, satisfied my cravings for crabs,prawns,... badminton, swimming with the C sisters, sending the C sisters off to school in the morning. peektures on hold, cos i didn't manage to bluetooth any over from carmen's phone. haha, kinda lazy you see. so yeah, it's carmen's birthday today. well, happy birthday girl. i still love you, no matter how many times you ask me to buy you a birthday gift, & giving you treats. haha! & now, i can't wait to see the new wall colour of my room! i chose purple, & mum said everything turn out really nice for sissy's & my room! shall see it later. (-:

now the first song on my playlist clearly decipher how i feel most of the time. sometimes love comes around, and they knock you down, just get back up when they knock you down, knock you down.

yeah, no dope boy ringtone for the past few days. i should just stop expecting. i told myself not to, but i'm doing the opposite. fuck it seriously. haha. but remember, just get back up when they knock you down. no big deal yea? chill it manzzzzzz. dinner time now. eat again...... haha.

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